Love, Freely Given, Never Deserved

I have an empty womb. I have had a few weeks of unknown pregnancy but no child from it.

I have friends who have had similar stories. They all say the same thing, "it will happen when you least expect it". But I don't expect it, not anymore.
I even put the storage tub of baby things away to another county because I couldn't stand it's constant reminder of what I don't have.

One of my friends who has a sad and beautifully hopeful story of her own shares her tale and all I can feel is bitterness. Of course she gets her rainbow baby, she is a wonderful upstanding woman of God. She deserves her happy motherhood. After all, she waited long enough for it. I should be happy for her, but I am jealous and angry at myself for it.

I have had many chances to be a good woman deserving of a child but have not taken them. I shrink back from the golden path in fear that I will not be good enough even if I try.

I can't help but think that this is all that's meant for me, to be a bitter barren woman who loves and fears God but does nothing for His glory.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to do His will. It's just as I stated earlier, fear holds me back. Ugly fear that is not from God but from an ugliness inside that for some reason I cannot let go of. Even though by not letting go of that ugliness I could very well be the cause of my husband's cries when he sees happy children around the Holidays.

We are painfully aware of our childlessness, just as my friend was for many years.

When she was in pain from constant reminders I was blissfully talking about my dreams and hopes of future children with my new husband. I would smile and laugh about what I thought our kids would be like, sure that I would have them, but unaware of the turmoil she was enduring.

Until I would see her face.

Then I was silent. I felt guilty for unknowingly rubbing her face in her own pain and misery.

I was a monster, and being a monster this is what I deserve. I deserve to be walking in her shoes from those years ago. I deserve to see her happy with her beautiful rainbow baby while I am dying inside from my lack of. I deserve every bit of this ugliness because I created it for myself. In the past when I had chances to be reverent, I instead was not. This is my repayment.

Instead of changing diapers and planning meals and playdates, I am sitting in silent regret. I am regretting all the ugly things I have unwittingly done to emphasize the suffering of those in my past. But I cannot feel bad for my own suffering because it is my justly put punishment for it all.

However, I am not the only one suffering from my barrenness.

My husband doesn't deserve this pain. He doesn't deserve the silent evenings that should be filled with children laughing but instead are filled with the hollowness of broken dreams. He doesn't deserve all the ugliness his wife's bitterness has wrought upon his life.

He deserves much better.

I want to make it all better for him. But I don't have that power. I cannot undo the past or even erase the memories. But maybe through Him I can do small things to make my husband's days better, one at a time. I can complain less, serve more, and help him build our dreams back up one brick at a time. I can show His love.

God is teaching me what true love is. I believe that only through love can this healing be obtained. Love for others who finally have their happiness. Love for those who undeservingly share in my pain. And love for myself, because even though I don't deserve it, God loves me.

Love is not deserved or earned, it is freely given.

>^.^<

Depression: The Struggle is Real

So, shortly after the last update my husband and I experienced a miscarriage. This, as you can imagine, led to a barrage of downward spirals. My spiritual, physical, and mental health have been badly damaged from the impact of these. Not to mention the negative impact done to my career, home life, and social life.

I have mulled over and worried about the miscarriage to the point that I pretty much gave up on everything (yes, I mean everything) and let myself become a zombie.

I won't bore you with anymore of my failures. Instead I will rejoice and tell you of the beginning of my new journey.

I am beginning by refreshing my ideals and getting them back to where they once were.

My diet and exercise routine is coming back. As are other healthy routines needed for this life change.

Even with God giving me the strength to do this it is going to be a slow process so as to not be overwhelmed.

Life may not be easy but it is definitely a beautiful thing, I just have to take one step at a time to walk back out into it.

Anyway, see ya real soon.  >^.^<

Relatively Plastic Free...Or So I Thought.

You can laugh if you want, but I just finished watching a documentary called Plastic Paradise: The Great Pacific Garbage Patch and it opened my eyes.  I am looking around my home and seeing nothing but a huge pile of plastic waste (not literally but you know what I mean).  Almost everything has plastic components if not made entirely of plastic.  It's sad, scary, and makes me want to change.

I have been buying and using the reusable bags for shopping for over a year now, and still find that plastics make up a huge part of my home.  I want to do more than this in the fight.  However I know I am not able to go around the world and create a headline difference like some people can.  So I will do my part as a consumer and buy less and less plastic until hopefully one day I won't have to buy any plastic at all.  I know, that won't change a lot.  But maybe by doing this people will get curious and ask why.  Word spreads quickly from one mouth to another.

I can see my life slowly taking shape as it should be with small changes.  From the anti plastics of this post to all natural home remedies and beauty products and much more.  It's spiritually cleansing and aesthetically pleasing.  Call me a hippie if you wish.  I'm ok with that now. :)  As long as I can make a difference for the better (even small pebbles make huge ripples).

Hope to see you again soon. >^.^<

We're taking the 30 day Cleaning Challenge :)

Between having a fair size collection of assorted items that can easily be called 'nifty', and being a little bit scatter brained (not to mention busy with work, church, and family) my home is nothing short of an organizers nightmare.  Which is probably why I'm so stressed out most of the time!  lol

Anyway, while browsing the web today I found this 30 day cleaning challenge.  I proposed the idea to my husband and we are going to make this a joint effort ordeal.  I see this as the perfect kickstart to truly cleaning and organizing our home (which I've been meaning to do).

I will be updating this post everyday as to the progress of the challenge as well as my own thoughts of the experience.  Let the games begin!

Day 1:  Clean microwave and oven.
Husband is reluctant to start the process with me despite his earlier enthusiasm... This may be one reason as to why I have a problem getting started on such projects.  *sigh*

Day 2:  Clean dishwasher and appliances.
Well, we don't have a dishwasher, but we do have a couple small appliances (which are a bit of a pain to detail clean).

Day 3:  Wipe down pantry.
Wasn't all that bad.  :)  Things are starting to look up.

Introducing...

Hello there.  Usually with an introduction you would receive the persons name.  Well my 'true' name is rarely revealed online so I will give you my alias.  They call me Miss Freaky Rose, but you may call me Rose.  I honestly can't remember when I received the alias "Rose" however I remember adding the "Freaky" bit.  It was purely innocent believe it or not.

Growing up I was taught to embrace my individuality while most of my peers were being taught to suppress theirs.  Consequently I was called many things including crazy, weird, ugly, geek, and freak.  It depressed me for years until my best friend played a song for me by dc Talk called Jesus Freak.  It made me rethink the meaning of the word.  And if you listen to the song you may wonder why it had that effect on me... I don't really know, but I like what I have become because of it.

To me 'freaky' has many meanings, none of which are negative.  It means to be unique just as God created us to be.  It's an understanding of things most people overlook and therefore can never enjoy.  It is a collaboration of many interests in a single room.  It is the appreciation of cultures of lands far from your own.  It is the gathering of various uncommon items that when looked at singularly don't belong with the others.  I am a freak.  I wear long skirts with combat boots.  I giggle at the tiniest of butterflies dancing in the wind as spring approaches.  I play video games with my husband until midnight (and sometimes past) then wake up to work 12 hour shifts at my full time job.  I drink kale smoothies and eat sushi as well as sodas and cheeseburgers.  I have hundreds of contradicting interests and can see nearly every side of an argument.  I am a simple Christian wife with family, friends, and colleagues.

I know, you are probably thinking that these things don't sound weird or bad and some of them may apply to you as well.  Good!  Revel in it.  Share it with the world or keep it hidden, whichever you wish.  Embrace what makes you 'you'!  This is me, yet only the tip of the iceberg.

Through all the years I have discovered many interests, most of which are creative in nature (at least I like to think so lol).  I will be composing entries of such interests here, as well as random thoughts.

If you made it this far I pray you keep an open mind and refrain from judgmental comments.  As this blog is meant for positive thinking and encouragement while hopefully boosting the creative juices.

Thanks for reading.  See ya soon.  >^.^<