I have an empty womb. I have had a few weeks of unknown pregnancy but no child from it.
I have friends who have had similar stories. They all say the same thing, "it will happen when you least expect it". But I don't expect it, not anymore.
I even put the storage tub of baby things away to another county because I couldn't stand it's constant reminder of what I don't have.
One of my friends who has a sad and beautifully hopeful story of her own shares her tale and all I can feel is bitterness. Of course she gets her rainbow baby, she is a wonderful upstanding woman of God. She deserves her happy motherhood. After all, she waited long enough for it. I should be happy for her, but I am jealous and angry at myself for it.
I have had many chances to be a good woman deserving of a child but have not taken them. I shrink back from the golden path in fear that I will not be good enough even if I try.
I can't help but think that this is all that's meant for me, to be a bitter barren woman who loves and fears God but does nothing for His glory.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to do His will. It's just as I stated earlier, fear holds me back. Ugly fear that is not from God but from an ugliness inside that for some reason I cannot let go of. Even though by not letting go of that ugliness I could very well be the cause of my husband's cries when he sees happy children around the Holidays.
We are painfully aware of our childlessness, just as my friend was for many years.
When she was in pain from constant reminders I was blissfully talking about my dreams and hopes of future children with my new husband. I would smile and laugh about what I thought our kids would be like, sure that I would have them, but unaware of the turmoil she was enduring.
Until I would see her face.
Then I was silent. I felt guilty for unknowingly rubbing her face in her own pain and misery.
I was a monster, and being a monster this is what I deserve. I deserve to be walking in her shoes from those years ago. I deserve to see her happy with her beautiful rainbow baby while I am dying inside from my lack of. I deserve every bit of this ugliness because I created it for myself. In the past when I had chances to be reverent, I instead was not. This is my repayment.
Instead of changing diapers and planning meals and playdates, I am sitting in silent regret. I am regretting all the ugly things I have unwittingly done to emphasize the suffering of those in my past. But I cannot feel bad for my own suffering because it is my justly put punishment for it all.
However, I am not the only one suffering from my barrenness.
My husband doesn't deserve this pain. He doesn't deserve the silent evenings that should be filled with children laughing but instead are filled with the hollowness of broken dreams. He doesn't deserve all the ugliness his wife's bitterness has wrought upon his life.
He deserves much better.
I want to make it all better for him. But I don't have that power. I cannot undo the past or even erase the memories. But maybe through Him I can do small things to make my husband's days better, one at a time. I can complain less, serve more, and help him build our dreams back up one brick at a time. I can show His love.
God is teaching me what true love is. I believe that only through love can this healing be obtained. Love for others who finally have their happiness. Love for those who undeservingly share in my pain. And love for myself, because even though I don't deserve it, God loves me.
Love is not deserved or earned, it is freely given.
>^.^<
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